Put your nice shoes on, because it’s almost time for E3 2015. The games industry’s most exciting expo is just around the corner, with promises of new announcements, new games and lots of men wearing shirts and jeans and talking about brands. Here are a dozen things we expect to see…
1) A man will say, “And it’s available to download… right now!” A man on stage will reveal that some sort of thing is available to download not soon, not imminently, but immediately. The immediacy will cause the audience to shriek for three solid minutes.
2) A game about a fast car There will be a brand new game about a fast car. The car will drive very quickly and skid around corners. It will be possible to drive the car over a ramp in order to earn points. These points can then be used to buy extra wheels for the car.
3) A game about a man with a gun There will be a new game about a man with a gun. The gun will shoot bullets into the man’s bad enemies, who will fall over and shout about how much they hate the man. The man, unfazed by this constant criticism, will continue on his gun adventure. At one point he’ll fall out of a building.
4) A game about an army man There will be a brand-new game about a man who works for the army. His job in the army will be to shoot his gun at the bad men who work for the opposite army. The game will be set in the very near future, in a time when all soldiers have been taught to wall-run and double-jump as part of their basic training.
5) A game about a spaceship A studio will reveal a game all about a spaceship. The spaceship will fire both lasers and missiles. On more than one occasion it will fly into a cave in search of rare power crystals. The power crystals will grant the spaceship additional abilities, such as more lasers and missiles.
6) Terrible whispers that come in the night A firmware update to the Xbox One means that terrible whispers can now be heard coming from the console’s HDMI port in the dead of night, their malignant voices indistinct and many. Why has this happened?
7) All the Xboxes are shrinking and nobody knows why Microsoft’s chief scientist will reveal the upsetting news that every Xbox One is inexplicably shrinking at a rate of one millimetre per year, like electric glaciers. In 300 years, today’s Xboxes will be the size of sugarcubes.
8) A man will jump in the air unconvincingly A man will get so excited during the announcement of a game that he will jump in the air and punch the sky, forgetting momentarily that this isn’t a thing that real humans ever do.
9) A trailer for a violent game will feature incongruous backing music As an ironic counterpoint to on-screen violence, a trailer for a horror game will be set to incongruously cheerful music. You will hear a breathy, vocal cover of Dream a Little Dream Of Me as you watch a woman being chased by a ghost through an abandoned Tesco.
10) A game about a wizard There will be a new game about a wizard. The wizard can drink potions to restore his mana. There will be an elf and also a dwarf. The bad guy will have a massive horse. The horse can cast powerful spells. The game will sell seven million copies.
11) Just one balloon disaster This year we predict exactly one balloon disaster, a full eight fewer balloon disasters than last year. This particular balloon disaster will involve an arena full of games journalists suffocating under 50,000 balloons dropped at the end of a press conference to celebrate and raise awareness of balloon safety, as well as to mourn the loss of those who had died in 2014’s nine balloon related disasters.
12) A game about dancing A brand-new game all about dancing will be announced. The harder you dance, the more dance points you earn. In a fun twist, these dance points take up space on your hard drive and cannot be redeemed or deleted.
1) A man will say, “And it’s available to download… right now!” A man on stage will reveal that some sort of thing is available to download not soon, not imminently, but immediately. The immediacy will cause the audience to shriek for three solid minutes.
2) A game about a fast car There will be a brand new game about a fast car. The car will drive very quickly and skid around corners. It will be possible to drive the car over a ramp in order to earn points. These points can then be used to buy extra wheels for the car.
3) A game about a man with a gun There will be a new game about a man with a gun. The gun will shoot bullets into the man’s bad enemies, who will fall over and shout about how much they hate the man. The man, unfazed by this constant criticism, will continue on his gun adventure. At one point he’ll fall out of a building.
4) A game about an army man There will be a brand-new game about a man who works for the army. His job in the army will be to shoot his gun at the bad men who work for the opposite army. The game will be set in the very near future, in a time when all soldiers have been taught to wall-run and double-jump as part of their basic training.
5) A game about a spaceship A studio will reveal a game all about a spaceship. The spaceship will fire both lasers and missiles. On more than one occasion it will fly into a cave in search of rare power crystals. The power crystals will grant the spaceship additional abilities, such as more lasers and missiles.
6) Terrible whispers that come in the night A firmware update to the Xbox One means that terrible whispers can now be heard coming from the console’s HDMI port in the dead of night, their malignant voices indistinct and many. Why has this happened?
7) All the Xboxes are shrinking and nobody knows why Microsoft’s chief scientist will reveal the upsetting news that every Xbox One is inexplicably shrinking at a rate of one millimetre per year, like electric glaciers. In 300 years, today’s Xboxes will be the size of sugarcubes.
8) A man will jump in the air unconvincingly A man will get so excited during the announcement of a game that he will jump in the air and punch the sky, forgetting momentarily that this isn’t a thing that real humans ever do.
9) A trailer for a violent game will feature incongruous backing music As an ironic counterpoint to on-screen violence, a trailer for a horror game will be set to incongruously cheerful music. You will hear a breathy, vocal cover of Dream a Little Dream Of Me as you watch a woman being chased by a ghost through an abandoned Tesco.
10) A game about a wizard There will be a new game about a wizard. The wizard can drink potions to restore his mana. There will be an elf and also a dwarf. The bad guy will have a massive horse. The horse can cast powerful spells. The game will sell seven million copies.
11) Just one balloon disaster This year we predict exactly one balloon disaster, a full eight fewer balloon disasters than last year. This particular balloon disaster will involve an arena full of games journalists suffocating under 50,000 balloons dropped at the end of a press conference to celebrate and raise awareness of balloon safety, as well as to mourn the loss of those who had died in 2014’s nine balloon related disasters.
12) A game about dancing A brand-new game all about dancing will be announced. The harder you dance, the more dance points you earn. In a fun twist, these dance points take up space on your hard drive and cannot be redeemed or deleted.
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